What was that smell, you ask? Maple Syrup.

Wondering why the smell of sap had such an affect? Well, starting on Sunday, September 4th I decided to parktake in the Whole30 for 60 days in order to break the connection my brain has to sugar and help me not give into cravings so I make a serious dent in the 30 lbs I still have to loose.

Here's the link to what I'm doing: However, on my own accord I decided that I would also abstain from fruit during this time because it affects me the same way chocolate or cookies do. I get a taste for it, gotta have it, want it now, start to eat and don't know when to quit. Even when I tell myself "ok stop now" I don't care enough to really stop.

Well, I'm not quite sure how this will all work. after 60 days of keeping myself from grain, dairy, soy, beans, fruit, honey and syrup etc, won't I just go craZy once I can have it again? I don't think so. I know this will require me to still remain mindful about 1. if it's worth eating and 2. when to stop eating however, I have Someone very awesome on my side helping me Fight. God. I'm praying that He will help break the connection that food has over me, help me to eat for His glory and stop when it would dishonor Him. AKA, a LOT of discipline.

Ok so after following this plan for 5 days (had some chicken wings on the 4th so I decided to make it actually start the 5th) I was feeling pretty confident. Hoping that I would loose another 2lbs this week I was thinking I would definitively get there - especially after pooping 3 times in one day! (stupid chili).Last night I was really wanting to eat, but kept myself from it because of what I wanted to see on the scale. I wanted Nate to come home right on time because then I'd have away to keep my mind off food. He had a lot of work to do and feeling selfish I told him it was ok to stay. So I watched some Hell's Kitchen and did more research on Whole30. The night ended pretty well because I realized I was making progress on my pull up :D

However, this morning I stepped on the scale and saw THE. EXACT. SAME. NUMBER. as the day before!! Why?! Grr. Needless to say, I was not in the best mood. Only a week in and I'm already going to miss the dates I made for certain weights. *sigh*

Nathan really wanted to be intimate but I just didn't want to. I wasn't feeling good about myself and his recent trial with coconut oil makes him smell really yucky. But I remembered that God wants me to submit to my husband, and boy and I glad I did!

So, towards the end of everything I just burst into tears. Crying about everything! Telling Nate I was sorry for being so crabby last night and today realizing that just because I can't eat the things I want to doesn't mean I should treat him any less than wonderful. Then crying to God because I know that I turned to tv and the internet last night to keep me happy instead of Him. I felt overwhelmed with the realization that I suck. I set out with good intentions but end up getting in my own way and messing everything up. I don't stick to my assperiations: keeping the house clean, not complaining, giving thanks in everything, having compassion for ppl who get on my nerves, not over eating . . .

But in confessing these things to God I felt. . . . lighter. Like somehow I could breathe again. A lyric from one of my new favorite hymns came to mind "To rid the schemes of earthly joy, that thou may seek thy all in Me." THIS, THIS is what I am after. I just got caught up and confused with all the other stuff. I want Jesus to be my All in All. Truly, truly, all the rest will fall into place after: my marriage, my house, my relationships, my career, my motherhood, my disciplship. Everything.

So now, instead of looking at Whole 30 as giving up all these tastey foods just so I can loose weight and look good/feel better about myself, I have decided to not make it my "plan" but my "tool." Look, doing this "fast" of sorts is great. It might heal me, help me loose weight, and feel good. But it's not going to last. Once it's over (or my resolve weakens) I'm back to feeling how I did today: destitue, joyless, resentful, poopy. Now what if I can use it as a tool to help me see Jesus better and become closer to Him? Let me try to explain:

PART I: I REALLY want chocolate. Or maybe strawberries. Or something sweet and yummy. Right about now. However, I seem to want it quite often. After a meal. When I'm bored. When I'm lonely. When I'm unhappy. Doesn't matter. O and especiallly at parties or get togethers because 1) I don't buy that stuff so this is my chance to get it 2) I don't want to feel upset that I can't have it 3) I wouldn't want to offend the host, am I right? ; )

PART II: The biggest problems are that 1) If I DON'T get it I will THINK about it CONSTANTLY. How good it would be, how wonderful it would taste, how much I deserve it, how it wouldn't hurt, how by-golly I'm a grown up and if I want it I should have it! or 2) once I choose to get the "treat" I can't seem to put the breaks on. I keep eating. No shame. Nate can take what he calls "a curiosity bite" to see what it takes like and if it's THAT good, he'll eat the rest (of ONE) and if it doesn't, he leaves it alone. - O what I wouldn't give to have that!

Part 1: Jesus wants to be my "go-to drug of choice." He wants me to pick Him when I'm bored, lonely, angry, upset, or just because. I turn to the "treats" because they make my brain and mouth happy but obviously, they aren't the way to go. However, at the same time, they can be "gifts" from my Father/Big Bro if I treat them accordingly.

Here's how I explained it to Nathan:

If you sent me flowers all the time and I loved them and they filled my house (/stomach) than I'd have a house full of pretty flowers that make me happy for a while, untill they start to die and I'm left to clean up this big mess of yucky, gross, smelly flowers.

However, if you came home once and a while with flowers, not only would the mean more/be more special, but they wouldn't be my focus. I would love them, be very thankful for them, but YOU would be the one that my happiness rested on. You'd get the hug/kiss/omygosh he's wonderful feeling that filled my stomach. The flowers would go in a vase and make me smile when I saw them BECAUSE they would make me think of YOU and your thoughtfulness and how much you love me.

I want "treats" to be the same way with God. I want my eating habits to bring Him glory and draw me closer to Him. I want to THANK Him for what I'm eating and cherish the Giver more than the Gift. SO, right now I'm fasting from them until I can get this area of submission under HIS control. If after 60 days I realize I need more time or to fast at certain events - so be it. But I want Him to be what I"m addicted to, what I feel I can't live without.

Part II: In addition to WHAT I eat, When and How much I eat also needs to be under His control. I want to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm not. And do it for His glory. I'm going to faithfully pray while preparing food and before I eat it for God to help me to eat for His glory enough to glorify Him and keep me going. That He'll help me to stop even if it tastes really good and I dont' want to - put it in the fridge, it'll be there tomorrow.

I'm also going to pray when I start thinking about food or thinking I'm hungry that God can help me to really realize hunger. I want to know what IT is, not cravings. And I want to honor Him above it with fasting if He wants me to. O and for those times that I try to resist and it's all that fills my thoughts, well guess what?! It's time to make that thought obedient to Christ's control. I want Him to fill my thoughts not that peanut butter square. He's worthy. Even when it's tough.

So I'm not too sure how this is all going to pan out. But you know what I do see? I see me trying to give this area over to Him. Isn't that what it's all about? Yes it's "just food" but it's something I struggle with. A HUGE hurtle for me that I want to gain victory over. I might never be done fighting, but I know Who's behind me in this battle and He wants my success more than I do. To our God and Father be the glory for ever and ever amen!